For those of you who are familiar with Zern's, no further explanation is necessary. However, knowing that I was there probably has changed your perception of me. Or, maybe not.
For those of you who have no idea what Zern's is (and most of you probably don't) you're really missing out. Let me explain:
Zern's is located in Boyertown, PA. It is a massive building in which numerous venders sell various necessities. It's like a market.
Need super XL granny panties? They got 'em.
Need a game for your Sega Genesis? They got 'em.
Want a new wig? They got 'em.
Hungry for chicken hearts and gizzards? They got 'em. Not only that, they're piping hot. yum.
And finally...
need a car? They've got those too.
It's Zern's. They have everything.
Anywhoo, we went for the final reason- the car. Not for us, for a friend. Our friend Raul was looking for an inexpensive car. He came with an open mind and actually left with some wheels!
To buy a car at Zern's all you need is a hand to raise, good listening skills, and some cash. Oh yes, and most importantly, an open mind.
Zern's has a car auction. They have hundreds of cars, some donated and some are cars from dealers and private owners. And there's usually a car from every decade. Or almost every decade. Especially the '80s. For some reason there's an overload of those.
So there we are, among the toothless competition. (Some people who frequent Zern's just don't have teeth. Please take no offense to this if you or your loved ones do not have teeth. I'm merely trying to paint a picture. And I just find it odd that so many toothless people are packed in one room. That's all.)
People gather across from the auctioneers, in a garage type room. There are two garage doors, on on either end of the room so that cars can be driven in, auctioned off, and driven out in less than one minute flat.
The fumes in the room are noxious, but one can easily get used it. If you become giddy, your LG, I mean boyfriend might give you a concerned look and tell you that it's finally time to go, as you smile and laugh like a lunatic. Not that this happened to me, or anything.
I guess the purpose of all of the above was just to add to your schema and give you some prior knowledge about Zern's before I go into the interesting thing that happened to me while I was there.
Okay, it's really not that interesting.
Whatevs, here I go.
I was standing alone while the LG and his bud were looking at a car, and pretending to be interested in the 1982 Ford (?) with 315,000 miles that had just rolled in. My facial expression can be defined as OMG, is someone actually going to purchase this thing? Unbeknownst to me, someone has been watching me.
Er, checking me out actually.
"I think that car is for you," chuckles a bearded, toothless, overweight, middle aged man wearing comfy sweatpants and high tops.
"Yes, sir," I reply, "I'd make that car look hott." I make sure to place extra emphasis on hot.
The man laughs, looks me up and down, and says, "You'd make anything look hot." He laughs a satisfied laugh.
And me, I laugh with him. Cause he's so right.
Hahaha...okay, not really. More or less, I am laughing because this toothless man is flirting with me.
After 15 minutes of standing in that cold garage, which had reached the outside temperature of 20 degrees, and watching car after car be auctioned off for $400 and $500, I notice a man walking from one end of the room to where I am standing. As he approaches he tries to make eye contact with me. Inside, I begin to laugh because I'm thinking, "Oh dear, here comes another one." On the outside, I'm smiling. Because this is hilarious. And that's where I fail, because this guy feels comfortable enough to get only centimeters away from me.
This guy has more gall, though. He approaches me, gets really close, and, without talking, flips open is Motorola Razr phone. I instantly realize that I am supposed to look at it. So, being the curious cat that I am, I lean in and read:
Hi. My name is Sal.
He scrolls down.
It's really nice to meet you.
I begin to laugh. It's all too much for me. (And where is the LG to witness this, by the way?)
I step away and look around for that lover boy of mine to give him a good laugh.
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