Hello, my name is Julia and I am the Neighborhood Troublemaker.

This post is a writer's workshop assignment from Mama's Losin' It. Read on, only if you dare.

The people who live next door to my snazzy house are probably in their eighties. They park their car directly in front of my house (no, I'm not bitter about that) and leave it there all week. That's because they don't leave their house. Each day, the lady waters her flowers in her floral print apron-dress and her husband sits in his lawn chair, in his wife-beater. They really try not to cause any trouble and have told me this repeatedly. Not even when they call the city codes department to let them know that our grass has exceeded the length of 6 inches. (And we measure it, only to discover it is 4 inches.) I digress.

I present to you...The Conversation.

Setting: Backyard. The LG and Julia are doing some major weeding. Bob, the neighbor, walks up to the (practically invisible) chain link fence and promptly starts a conversation.

Bob: Hi! Did you finally get all the weeds out of your yard? Hehehe.

Apparently, this is Bob's way of telling us that our yard is

not up to code, if you know what I mean.

Me: We're trying! Oh, I have a question for you! We're thinking of putting up a fence. We wanted to ask your opinion about it and wanted to know if you're interested in contributing?

Bob (in sheer disbelief): A FENCE?! What do you mean? We have a fence.

This is our invisible fence.

Me: I know, but it's a chain link fence. I would like a privacy fence. You know the really nice white ones??

One word: privacy.

Bob (clearly outraged. clearly.): But why in the WORLD would you want a fence??? You realize you'd be the only people on this block with a fence??? I don't believe this!! What do you need a fence for, huh?

Me (calmly): Well, I'd like some privacy.

Bob (he had never heard of the word before, obviously): PRIVACY??!!!! What do you need PRIVACY for???!

At this point, I'm laughing. I think I am dreaming. He cannot be serious. He doesn't know that we sometimes see him peeking at us through his blinds? He doesn't know that we can see his hand holding the blinds down for a clearer view of the sexy young couple next door??

Me (slowly, like I am trying to explain synthesizing to first graders): Well, Bob. I enjoy talking with you and your wife. But sometimes, just sometimes, I would like to come home and sit outside with a glass of wine and relax in solitude. You know??

Stupid question. Obviously he doesn't know.

Bob (he's so outraged at our insane desire for a fence that he can only repeat himself): WHY DO YOU NEED PRIVACY?

At this point, seeing the conversation is going nowhere, the LG chimes in: Well, we are thinking of putting in a deck out here and would like to sit in privacy, you know??

This is actually news to me! A deck!? We never finalized this! But, being the clever girl that I am, I realize that this is the LG's way of trying to help Bob understand why a fence is necessary. Epic Fail, LG. EPIC FAIL.

Bob: A DECK? A DECK??!!! Why would you waste your money on a deck?? (now, muttering to himself) A deck. Hah! In the city! (Then Bob looks at us.) Who ever heard of a DECK in the CITY??

Evidently, Bob does not watch HGTV.

Me: Well, actually a deck would look nice, I think. Along with a fence.

At this point, Bob has more emotional rage than words to describe his feelings. But he ends the conversation like this: Just to let you know, you will not put a fence up here! We....will.....fight......this.

Then, Bob goes inside. He comes back out with his apron-clad wife, and sits himself in a lawn chair. To what?? Throw "privacy" in our faces?

Bob, you make me laugh.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh yeah. And now there seems to be some kind of competition between us, which I was not aware of until recently. The old lady likes to talk about me to the other neighbors and tell them how much trouble I'm causing because of a fence. I can hear her crisp and clear through my open windows. Oh yeah, and guess what? Since I bought this home, way back in November, there have been no wind chimes hanging from her covered back steps (directly across from mine.) This summer, I put up some chimes, just for the beauty of the sound. A few days later, she puts up hers and practically throws them in my face. That's because she puts up TWO of them.

And this is the story of how I became the neighborhood troublemaker.