It all began with a sandwich.
via weheartit
"Do you want me to cut it in half or would you prefer a nice whole sammy?" I asked the guru. I was making a sandwich so he could eat while on his way to work.
"I would prefer half, I think." And so, half it was.
The LG left the house. No more than 4 minutes later, the LG called,
1st sign of bad luck: "Mama?" He asked in a tiny voice. Yes, the LG sometimes calls me mama. And no, we do not have kids. "I forgot my phone charger. Can you bring it here?"
Inside, I let out a little sigh. I was planning on popping open a bottle of wine and relaxing with a good book. However, one must make sacrifices. I happily told the LG that I would run it over to him.
And then, a brilliant idea popped into my brain:
(When that happens, I carefully listen, because my ideas can be pretty super, I tell ya. )
It was the perfect night to blast some tunes with the top down on my convertible! I was going to make the most of this 15 minute drive.
I walked out of my house and into the dark hole that is my neighborhood. For some reason, we are the only ones with a motion-sensor lamp. The other guys like to trip over cats while strolling down the sidewalk, apparently.
And I (2nd sign of bad luck) walked right into the path of a black and white furry creature.
A skunk.
We frightened each other; I ran in one direction, he in the other. As this was happening, I envisioned him spraying some green toxic fumes in my direction. Because a skunk spray is green, right? As this guy lifted his tail, I booked it to my car.
Inside, I pressed the button to put the top down. I smiled at how effortlessly that thing works. One little button and down it goes. Like butter.
I began to back up (3rd sign of bad luck) when I noticed that the light sensor for my convertible top was blinking. Strange, I thought. I guess I didn't hold the button for long enough. I stopped the car and pressed the button again.
nothing.
I stopped the car and pulled the button in the opposite direction to close the top. I'm really good at making predictions because I teach that shit, so I got all hot and sweaty.
nothing.
Just as I predicted, I'm that good.
I drove with the top down, forgot about the music, and pulled over 2 times just to try that top again.
nothing.
When I got to our meeting point, the LG got out of his car and said, (3rd sign of bad luck)
"As I was backing out of the garage, I hit my driver's side mirror on the wall. It's cracked."
Then, I explained my dilemma and my problem is fixed within minutes: Tomorrow, I would take this broken bastard of a car and get it fixed. Yup, the guru himself could not get that top up for nothing in the world.
I handed the LG his charger, and we drove off. When we both got to the red light, I noticed that that LG had a scowl on his face and looked like he was cursing someone's mother. But the light turned green and I was forced to drive in the opposite direction.
I called the LG to see what happened..
"I should not have asked you to cut that sandwich in two. (4th sign of bad luck) As I unwrapped it, the whole thing fell on my shirt and pants. Roast beef, swiss cheese, and fresh garden tomatoes along with some mustard. I'm wearing the sandwich."
"What is going on tonight?" I asked, "Did someone put a spell on us?"
"Don't worry, I'm going to break this streak: I'm going to Rita's for some italian ice before I get to work. That'll change the bad luck."
30 secs later... (5th sign of bad luck)
"Shit... Rita's is closed."
We hung up and as I drove into my parking lot, I was greeted by 12 glow-in-the-dark-eyeballs.
Yes, cats.
I parked my car, tried again to put the top back up, and prayed to the sky above that I was not good at making predictions.
Because...
6 cats that like to pee on my things
+
roaming skunk
+
possible rain
+
convertible top that does not want to close
= a smelly wet car.
And you know what happened???
nothing.
So now there's only three things I can do:
Pop open that wine, pray that my car survives the night dry and free of any odor, and hope to God that my bad luck has run out.
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