Sticky Fingers

I have been told, by the ever-observant LG, that I am a vulgar eater. (Well, he didn't quite use those words...he was a smidgen kinder.)

More specifically, I eat finger foods (sandwiches, fries, etc.) with my fingers (How else am I supposed to eat them?) and tend to rip my food apart, angrily, into smaller bite sized pieces.

My reaction to this observation: pure denial.

Cue attitude voice: "Nuh-Uhh. No I don't!"

I was a little peeved that the LG would even utter such negative words in my direction regarding, in my opinion, my graciously lady-like eating habits.

After this being pointed out to me several times, the denial still ever-present, I came to a shocking and terrifying discovery. TODAY.

It's true.

He's right.

Today, in our most comfortable and cozy faculty lunch room, I had an out-of-body experience while conversing with my fellow colleagues. We were discussing students and various other topics as we were all eating. I, having decided to go to Build-A-Sandwich workshop at the lunch table, (since I had no time to actually put my sandwich together at home) used my fingers and a knife to put my sandwich all together.

Whole wheat, tuna, and cheddar. I know, this does not sound so appealing. Not gonna lie, it wasn't....

Anywhooooo...I almost began eating the sandwich in open-faced European manner, which comes so naturally for me. Immediately, I became conscious of the fact that everything would probably topple off of my sandwich and onto the table if this open-faced skill was attempted. So, I did the polite thing and closed the sandwich, saving myself from embarrassment.

I ate, talked, and ate.

When I was almost finished, I picked up the rest of my sandwich and noticed that

1. It was not ONE sandwich.

2. It had become 4 pieces of, now, crust.

3. Tuna was scattered sporadically on my plate.

4. And I was holding a 5th piece of crust in my fingers, ready to be shoved in my mouth.

This is the out-of-body part:

I swear I saw myself put the 5th piece of crust in my mouth. I picked up another and did the same. I remember thinking, Gross, what is this girl doing? Someone stop her and slap her dirty hands.

Then I came-to. Announced to the others, I am a disgusting eater.

Cue: birds chirping.

That's right. No one said, "Oh, no! You're kidding! Not you! You're ever so graceful and ladylike! We should really call you Miss Manners."

No one responded! Could it be true??

Well, my out-of-body experience, as surreal as it was, was really telling. I do rip my food to shreds as I eat. Sometimes angrily. But I do this without any realization. I swear I'm not angry. Perhaps just dangerously famished.

How do I expect to become high-society when I can't even eat a sandwich with proper manners?

Uggh. Anyway, I'm no longer in denial. I'm now aware that I'm a fearless and crazy finger-food eater. And I'm aware of it's grossness.

So if you've ever witnessed it...my apologies and WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?????

And LG, I thank you. Oh you thought I'd be mad at you?? Well, my anger (if you can even call it that) was short lived and I'm ovah it. I'm also going to research proper finger-food etiquette. Or maybe I won't, since I'm pretty much dating an expert etiquette consultant.